“You shouldn’t have ordered the spaghetti. Just sayin’. What? Don’t look at me like that, girl. You know you should’ve gotten the salad. No, I’m not saying you’re fat, Nikki. I’m just looking after your best interests, that’s all. I care for you, you know. Swimsuit season’s just around the corner. Just reminding you we gotta rock those bikinis we bought last week and you can’t do that with all those carbs going to your hips. I don’t know about you but I just gotta find me a guy this summer. The weather isn’t all that’s heating up, if you know what I mean.
“A fling? What do I look like, a slut? No. After what happened with Bobby, I gotta find me a long-time beau. Besides, have you seen my Insta page lately? It’s a horror show. I’m starting to look like one those… what do you call them… yeah, spinsters. Yikes. All I’ve got up there is selfies and food snaps. All year long. That’s gotta stop. Besides, I gotta get Bobby back for what he did. Hell yes girl, he’s still on my Shit List. Like he seriously thought I wouldn’t find out? What an asshole. And with his cousin of all people? Like O-M-G. What the fudge. Gross. That just crosses every lineboundaryandfence I know. I mean I might have forgiven him if he was giving it to a whore, but nah. If you’re into incest, you’re outta my door. I swear if you weren’t there to hold me back I would have bashed his head in with my Coach. I swear I would have, uh-huh. I know right, that would have been such a shame. I spent a gazillion dollars on it. Anyways, I like honestly can’t believe he did that. I mean, ugh. You know what, screw him. I couldn’t care less if incest-boy was dying in a gutter somewhere.
“God, this salad is divine. Like I swear it’s giving me an orgasm. For real. Ugh!
“Girl, I completely forgot to tell you! I ran into Brad this morning. At Hollister. What do you mean Brad who? The Brad. Brad Pitt. Yes way! Okay, so there I was walking down the aisle minding my own business and stuff and he just comes around the corner and crashes into me. Literally. I know right I was as shocked as you are and… hmm what? Never mind what I was doing in the men’s section, Nikki. So anyways like I was saying, the moment I registered that face I swear I almost died and went to heaven, like O-M-G. What’d you mean what did I do? We took a selfie together of course. Like I was going to pass up the chance to cup a feel on those glutes. Girrrrl. Yes, I did, and you know what? I think he kinda liked it coz he smiled like the devil and spanked my behind! Oh la la, naught boy Brad. Then he just winked and walked away and I almost died again. Ugh. Love him to death. I’m glad that Jolie bitch is out of the picture. I think I’ll lurk around that Hollister outlet till I run into him again. He’s bound to come back right? I mean imagine, BRAD PITT–my baby daddy. Agh!
“Okay honey how about you put that Coke down and order a diet Coke instead? Doesn’t that sound good? Yeah. Trust me, you’ll be thanking me later.
“What’s my plan for today? Oh. This lunch was it. Maybe I’ll get my nails done at the salon and check into the spa for a massage later. I’ve been feeling sore all over. I don’t know why. I think yoga’s screwing with my back. I might switch to Pilates. Ugh. Ooh, or you know what? Maybe I’ll just drive down town. I’ve been meaning to check out the new collection at Hermes. Yes, Sonia! I know right, did you see the pic she uploaded? She was walking out of the store with every new scarf they had. Girl, she is such a shop-a-holic. She needs to check herself into rehab. Like stat. Like really, I’m concerned for her. Okay, not really. But when you meet Sonia later, tell her I said that, that I’m concerned for her and stuff. Okay? Great.
“Anyways, girl, it was great catching up with you. I know right, we should do it again soon. No, no, don’t be silly, Nikki, I’m picking up the cheque today. Yes, I am. Yes, now shush, let me pay. Good girl. All right, babe, catch ya next time. Remember, gotta get that beach bod ready in time. Awesome. Muah-muah. See ya. Toodles.
“God, what a bitch. She didn’t even offer to go dutch. Can’t believe I’m friends with that cheapskate. One thing’s for sure, I’m so not having lunch with Nikki ever again. Like no way. Eckh, gross.”
© Amaan Khan, February 22, 2018.