I don’t know if I’m dealing well with life these days. It’s hard to tell. I want to do so many things but every time I try something out it just doesn’t seem to work. I have all this time on my hands and I can really do something with it but it just feels hopeless at this point. As I’ve said, it’s not for a lack of trying. I’ve been trying, for a long long time. I don’t usually give up easily. I used to be this guy with a go-getter attitude who wouldn’t take no for an answer and keep soldiering on. I’d work my butt off day in and day out. I’d concentrate on my craft, push my limits to be the best version of me, stick to strict schedules and deadlines, work and work and work. And it would make me happy. This routine felt right. I felt like I had found my calling. I finally thought I had found something to celebrate, to be glad I could take pleasure in it, be proud of, because so many people go through life not knowing what the heck they’re doing and what they want in life. But I know. Sorry: I knew. Now, I’m not so sure. What else can I do when it seems like all my time and efforts, all those sleepless nights and disciplined hours have been for nothing? I feel like a fool. Like an honest-to-God good-for-nothing fool. How did I make the mistake of believing that I was actually gifted and lucky and that it would actually help me in life? I never thought I’d ever be the defeated type: the guy who loses heart and says “Okay, that was my last shot I gave it all I had and it still wasn’t enough so I’m calling it quits”. I am finally that person. I’m losing my confidence. I’m doubting everything I thought I knew. It’s never been in my nature to give up. Once I started something I’d always see it through to the end, one way or another. But now it looks like there’s no way. Absolutely completely no way things could get better. I’m empty. Numb. There’s nothing more to give. Not really. The only thing I have left is my soul and sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’ve got even that. I am sick and tired of hearing all of you say, “Everyone gets their chance to shine. It just isn’t your time yet. Good things are around the corner. Hang on a little longer.” I’ve been hanging on with my fingertips, and I’m done. It hurts. I’m calling it a day. It’s not true what people say: the only way to go from rock bottom is up. Because I was at rock bottom for a while now, and I feel like I just dropped even lower, wondering how that is even possible. It’s not easy for me to say all this. I’m beginning to sound morbid, maybe even depressed. Maybe that’s what I am. There was a time I swore I’d never talk like this. I was so hungry, driven, earnest, even when one after another the rejections were there to slam me down down down. I’d wear each one like a badge, like I had survived one more bad news, fueled all over again because nothing could ever bring me down. I guess I didn’t know myself as well as I thought. I’m down, and I’m not getting back up. There’s no fight left in me. I don’t even want to fight, that desire to rise isn’t there, nothing to get that fire going. This nothingness has been there for some time now. It’s like there comes a time when the last rejection takes something precious away and you decide nothing’s worth it anymore, you are going to surrender. Most of us never really have a shot at realizing our dreams. We can hope for the best, pray like crazy, work thirty hours a day, sweat and cry and bleed, but sometimes even all of that just isn’t enough. It’s just a waste of time. It doesn’t work out for everyone. We’d all be living our dreams if it did. It just isn’t the way my life is meant to go. I have to accept it, and sooner rather than later would be better. It’s hard to let go of the thing you were so sure you knew was the answer to everything. You listened to it when it called, you nurtured that dream, fed it to help it grow and had so much riding on it. Your happiness, your peace of mind and soul, your wildest stupidest fantasies. So when it doesn’t fly, it’s hard to let it go. It’s nearly impossible. I’m not sure if I want to, but I don’t see how clinging to it will make things better for me. It’s been a long ride. I won’t lie: it’s been fun and exhilarating and I relished every second if it. I just wish I could have achieved something, you know, now that I had finally found myself. Or so I thought. I don’t know what’s next. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m scared, to be honest. I don’t have a clue what life will be like now. I have to find something else to do. Maybe this will be the right decision, maybe not. I guess I’ll find out soon. It’s time to go. It’s time to say goodbye.
———-
© Amaan Khan, May 10, 2018.
This is fiction, right? Very close to home for me. Thank you for sharing your talent.
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Yes, thank you very much for that. It’s bitter sweet to know you could resonate with it. Thank you. 🙏❤✌
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I just want to say first thay I noticed the change in the aspect of your blog.
Second of all, I hope that this article is just fiction and it is not based on your real life. Because you have so many things to live for. 🙂
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Yes, I did change up the aesthetics of my blog, a new theme and presentation. Thank you for noticing, I do hope you like it and that it’s an improvement. And yes, the article is a bit heavy, not exactly rainbows and unicorns, but rest assured it’s fiction. Thank you so much for always reading and liking! Your support means everything. 🙏🙏👍👍❤❤
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Hello,
I am glad it is just fiction. Regarding the aspect, I like the structure of the blog, but I cannot say that I rezonate very much with the color…or noncolor. Nevertheless, this will not stop me from reading your articles. After all, it is your workspace and you decorate it as you please. 🙂
Thank you for writing so good. 🙂
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Oh, I know. Tell me about it. The themes ahve very limited color schemes to choose from. Even the default wasnt looking good enough. I should experiment with more themes to get it looking just right. And thank you, your compliments always get me. 🙈 Thank you for liking the way I write. It’s all I can ask for. What else could I need? 😊🙌👍
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Accomplishments are like plastic trophies. All they are around for is to remind you what you went through to get them and to inspire you in future struggles. The journey to the accomplishment is everything. The accomplishment is just a bookmark…
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I absolutely agree, couldn’t have said it better. So well put. Like people say, it’s the journey and not the destination which matters. Thank you so much! Love it! ✌✌🙏❤
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A plea for help? A cry of despair. Definitely hope this is a piece of fiction as the tags suggest but you never know. Feel the desperation. Been there!
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It sure is. And yes we have all been there at different times in our lives. That it could make you feel something means a lot. I am glad you could appreciate this piece. Thank you so much. 🙏🙏✌❤👍
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OMG! Just simply b r e a t h e for goodness sake! Nobody else is in any better shape than YOU are right now. You can READ and you can WRITE, so go WRITE!
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Thank you so much for this. It should be the mantra of everyone who has felt like the narrator in the post. It’s so necessary and apt, thank you! ❤🙏✌
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Hey, if this isn’t just fiction – if there’s some element of your soul embedded in your words, however small – and there always is in art that is true, even the slightest bit true – then I want you to know that you’re not alone in this feeling (or maybe more than a feeling, this state of mind). I’ve felt it before. I feel it sometimes now in whispers, in dark stolen moments. You’re not alone. And it’s okay to stay down there and breathe for a bit. You don’t have to force yourself to climb. Just sit and breathe and allow the air to fill your lungs. Then map out this new enclosure you find yourself in. Study it. Touch it, feel it, know it – write it. That’s the first step and, if this is in the slightest way autobiographical, it looks like you’ve got a great start there. You don’t have to force yourself to try and scrape your way out of the darkness inside you. Just breathe and open yourself up and allow the light to make its way in.
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Hey there, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and type out a heartfelt and personal response. I suppose this piece is autobiographical in a certain sense, since all writers draw from within to write. This advice needs to be given to everyone who has ever felt that way, it’s the most inspirational and helpful thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for this. It’s amazing. 🙏✌ You’re amazing! ❤❤👍
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Hi Amaan! Not sure where you live and what your surroundings are. If the narrator of your piece is Amaan telling what he now feels, the narrator likely voices the feelings of many at a certain stage of their life. Every individual has its own metabolism. The advice of others only scratches the surface of your being as only you can feel what you feel, while others – even psychiatrists – can only probe or guess at it to uncover its roots. The power to live and succeed of any individual is located in his/her mindset. Those who can wield that power to happiness and success whatever the obstacles are blessed. Those who cannot for any reason will have to cope until their last breath. The underlying suicidal thought of your piece seems a desperate cry and contradicts your ‘long ride and exhilaration’ of which you ‘loved every second.’ The art of living is to keep a positive mindset, regardless of the contretemps. That would be your contribution to ‘unhappy readers.’
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Hey there, thanks so much for taking the time to type out this response. Your outpouring of support is overwhelming. Although, when I wrote this piece the suicidal thoughts didn’t feel inherent. I am surprised you had intepret it in that kind of light. Originally the piece was just meant to signify a man’s dead dreams and his need to move on from them and find new dreams to pursue. But I suppose we all extrapolate different meanings from the same piece depending on who we are and etc. Thanks so much for the response. It’s great! Thank you! Much appreciated! ❤🙌🙏😁
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Can totally relate. Please let it just be fiction. Excellent!!
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Yes! Thanks! ❤🙏✌
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You doing okay? You’re one of my favorite bloggers, dude, don’t let anything happen to yourself.
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Aww hi there! No need to fret! It’s all good. Thank you so much for those lovely words. I do hope I am meeting expectations. 🙈🙈🙏✌❤
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Oh, you definitely are! I jump with joy when I receive an email about a new post on your blog. I asked because, well, you’ve just changed your blog’s theme and the new one is darker and this post is spine-tingling on top of that. 😛
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Oh yes, the change in blog theme is just something I’m trying out, since I didn’t really settle on a theme when I first started the blog. There’s still a bit to explore and design around the site. 👍✌ And spine-tingling? Wow, thanks so much. I am so humbled and honoured and beyond grateful for these words. I hop my stories are always up to the mark and that each post satisfies. I had no idea I had people out there who await each post of mine so eagerly. Thank you very much! Really. Beyond thankful 🙏🙏❤❤🙏🙏
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There *are*, I believe. Many besides me. Oh, and by the way, I remember I tagged you on a post of mine but you never responded. It’s a fun tag, though, I thought you’d like doing it. Wasn’t it your thing?
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Yes yes I did see that, and I think I did respond to it too. I think the link appeared on one of my posts and I replied to it there. Haha. It was great, something like the get to know me tag! 😁😁🙌
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I thought you’d like it. I’m glad you did. Can’t wait for your Romance Fail list. 🙂
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Yeah I know! I just hope I know enough about the romance genre to answer the questions! I never reach for those kinda books! Hahahha 😂😁❤🙌
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Oh no, the romance fail can be from any genre. I mean I think I listed mine from a dystopian series, some books and a few movies from varying genre. So it can be diverse.
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Oh wow really? Okay that’s good then. I should be able to give it a shot 👍👍✌
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I’ll wait! 🙂
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🙌🙌😁
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Interesting thoughts with a tinge of existentialism. Anand Bose from Kerala
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Thank you so much! 🙌🙌🙌✌
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Maybe you are meant for greater things. Just keep on doing good. Rest will eventually fall into place
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Thank you so much for this! Really appreciate this. Love it! 🙌👍😁❤
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Wow! It’s like someone opened my brain and peeked inside. So much to relate to! You’ve beautifully written and captured the human condition. Thank you.
“.. that desire to rise isn’t there..” This line, specifically, is what I/we face after one struggle after another pushes us down. What also contributes is having a deep lack of self-esteem which tries to win out over the best that’s in us. I just loved this piece! Bravo!
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Thank you so very much. It’s true we’ve all been there at one point or another. Your words are too kind. 🙈Thank you for reading and liking and commenting. 😁😁🙏✌❤
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I look forward to many more pieces to congratulate you on. 🙂
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Oh, thank you! I hope I don’t disappoint. 🙈🙈❤
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I don’t think that will happen. 🙂
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Haha, thank you so much! Always need the encouragement. 😁😁❤❤
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Will do my best! 🙂
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As will I! 😁😁🙈
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Really great piece. This was the first thing I’ve seen on your blog, so I was convinced that I’d come into your story at the end for a moment there. I’m relieved and impressed at the same time.
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Hey there! I’m honoured, thank you so very much! I am glad you were able to appreciate the piece. Thank you! 🙌🙌🙌✌
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I’m guessing this is fiction from the title. Please make sure to break this into paragraphs because I almost spaced out sometimes as I was reading. I had to force myself to concentrate on the meaning of this story. But, I won’t deny that it was a good one. Just stating what I felt as I was reading.
It got monotonous for me, is what I’m trying to say.
However, if you want to let it be this way, it’s all right. 🙂
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Hey there! Thanks so much! Yes, all my fiction is always broken down into paragraphs but this one is different because it’s a person ranting to the reader, and I thought it felt more natural to allow the text flow smoothly and without any interruption to authentic and get the narrator’s story and point across in a way that seems organic. Thanks so much for this. I will definitely consider it! 🙏🙏😁😁❤✌🙌
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Yea, I thought as much. That’s why I reconsidered my comment and added the last bit. 😀
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Haha, not at all, I really appreciate it! Thanks again so much! ❤❤✌✌🙌
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Lovely fiction, Amaan. It is beautifully written and I can relate to this when I am down, even though I know for sure that I will rise up again later, from the fallen rock to the butterfly that recovers its wings: https://momentsbloc.wordpress.com/2016/11/17/afloat/
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Hey there, thank you very much! I am glad you could find this relatable. Thank you so much! 🙏😁👍🙌
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You are welcome.
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😁😁🙏✌🙌
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sadly beautiful. your use of metre and rhyme is subtle genius.
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Hey there, thank you for that. I appreciate it. You’re too kind. 🙏🙏🙏❤✌
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Well Written and you expressed the feeling, which I’m sure is not totally fiction, that most of us have felt. You have a natural style that I enjoy reading.
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Hey there. Thanks so much. 🙌🙌 And you’re right, that’s we writers do right? Write from a place of truth and reality, so nothing is truly fiction. Thank you so much. Much appreciated! Truly! 🙌😁👍🙏✌
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I’ve walked in those shoes many times and found myself leaving those shoes behind because I needed to move on.
You nailed so many things. Beautifully written.
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That is just awesome. Yes, I shave heard so many people say just that. It’s so good to hear! Thank you!!! 🙌🙌😁❤
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Good work. I liked a comment – is this narrative fiction? Very convincing. Kudos!
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Yes, fiction, which is always inevitably influenced by real life experiences. Thank you so much. Appreciate it! 😁🙌🙌✌
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Very welcome.
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😁😁✌
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Fiction or not, this is what I think every genuinely creatively person goes through from time to time. I’d “given up” a couple of times, but then a word or phrase would catch my attention and off I go to the next poem or story. Genuine creativity can’t be erased from an artist’s mine,
Thank you for liking my post!
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I can’t tell you how true that is, you’re so so right. I couldn’t agree more!! Thank you so much! Thank you for reading and liking mine! 🙌🙌🙌✌👍👌
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Real life sure isn’t always fun, or as you put it, rainbows and unicorns. You’re young, I’m over 60, let me tell you, life has it’s ups and downs, and being expectant, KNOWING that those hard times will happen, helps you to deal with them. I hope you are a Christian, too. If not, read this: Romans 10:9-13; John 3:16-21, Jesus loves you, and died for our sins, and rose again from the dead, and is seated on the right hand of God the Father. He is the WAY to eternal life in Heaven. None other. Be blessed and be at peace.
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Hey there! Thank you so very much! 😁That is indeed inspirational and uplifting. Thank you for taking the time to type out the response! Really appreciated! 🙏🙏🙌🙌✌✌❤
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Hmm- thought-provoking! I suppose nobody should define themselves by what they do? I mean it’s less stressful if people have a public aspect and a private side- if they switch careers or jobs or activities or partners, then they can carry on without it impacting too much on their identity. Great writing!
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They absolutely shouldn’t! 🙌🙌 You are so right! Thank you so much! Really appreciate it! 😁😁🙏✌
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Your fictional “I” is having a bottom-of-the-barrel experience! Just in case anyone reading this is having an actual one of these – know that the cage that you seem trapped in is of your own making and every gate is locked on the inside. “All you have to do is neglect to reinforce what you believe. That is how you let the Whole be yours.”
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How easy that is! You’re right! 🙏🙏Thank you so very much for taking the time to type out this amazing response! Really appreciated! Thank you for reading and liking! ✌🙌❤
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You turned your pain into beauty. I’ve never been able to relate this much to a post. I’m sure so many others can. Thank you for sharing what you feel. We are all in this together, even though you don’t know everyone who makes up that “we.” Please keep believing in yourself because so many people on here do and I’m sure in your life ❤
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Yes, they do. ✌❤ Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with this heart warming message. It means a lot. I really appreciate it. You’re amazing! 😁😁🙏🙏
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As I read your blog I could not imagine the depths of depression this person has fallen into, but I was pleased to find that it was a fictional story. However, if it were true to someone who is going through a similar situation , I have an answer from the bible, an example of someone filled with anguish, sorrow and depression, the writer of the Book of Lamentations. He was at the bottom , like your person in your story so well states. What this writer of Lamentations (who is believed to be the Prophet Jeremiah) found was hope in God even at the bottom and here is that hope as I quote from Lamentations 3:
16 He has also broken my teeth with gravel,
And [e]covered me with ashes.
17 You have moved my soul far from peace;
I have forgotten [f]prosperity.
18 And I said, “My strength and my hope
Have perished from the Lord.”
19 Remember my affliction and roaming,
The wormwood and the [g]gall.
20 My soul still remembers
And [h]sinks within me.
21 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
22 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord.
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Oh wow, my god. Thank you so much for this.that you took the time to read this post and type out such a heartfelt and thoughtful response really touches me. I really appreciate this. You’re amazing. God! Thank you so so much! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌✌😁
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Fiction or not you just described with incredible accuracy my entire 2017
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Thank you very much, 🙏🙏as much as it makes me sad to hear that, I appreciate it. I acknowledge your pain. ✌✌❤❤
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Well written piece. Although it may be fiction there is always a little part of us in it as we feel empathic toward the people who suffer, who need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes what others undergo has reminiscences of our lives and past stories where self-esteem faded away. I wrote this poem to comfort a friend, myself and anybody in need of confidence: https://momentsbloc.wordpress.com/2016/06/14/confidence/
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That is really true. Well said, you put it together so eloquently. We all need comfort and solace in those difficult times and it’s great when the people were surrounded with know how to understand it and offer it to us. Thanks you so much! ❤❤❤❤
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You are welcome.
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🙌🙌🙌🙏🙏✌
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Thank you for the like on my blog… Reading yours, I was heartbroken for you. I was devastated thinking it was real. Realizing now, only by the comments, that it was fiction, you have documented what we all feel. This I know. I had a rough time about 6 years ago… I never wanted time to pass quickly, to not feel the pain I was feeling. I realize now, that to move through it and feel the feelings, is part of the work. To deny our feelings is the worst thing. I hope this message finds you well, inspired, and curious about this awful and wonderful world. Yours in blogging, Cathi
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Hey there, wow! Ok I’m deeply deeply touched by this message and that you took the time to type it out. 🙏🙏You are so right, it’s important to acknowledge our feelings and work through them. Ignoring them is not the way. I really appreciate your message this is so kidneys. You are awesome.🙌🙌 Thank thank you so so much!! I wish you all good things! ❤❤✌
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WOW, WOW, what shall i say, beautiful, am just speechless, just staring at this post and just pondering, love it
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Thank you so very much! I’m glad you enjoy it! 🙌🙌🙏😀
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