I don’t know if I’m dealing well with life these days. It’s hard to tell. I want to do so many things but every time I try something out it just doesn’t seem to work. I have all this time on my hands and I can really do something with it but it just feels hopeless at this point. As I’ve said, it’s not for a lack of trying. I’ve been trying, for a long long time. I don’t usually give up easily. I used to be this guy with a go-getter attitude who wouldn’t take no for an answer and keep soldiering on. I’d work my butt off day in and day out. I’d concentrate on my craft, push my limits to be the best version of me, stick to strict schedules and deadlines, work and work and work. And it would make me happy. This routine felt right. I felt like I had found my calling. I finally thought I had found something to celebrate, to be glad I could take pleasure in it, be proud of, because so many people go through life not knowing what the heck they’re doing and what they want in life. But I know. Sorry: I knew. Now, I’m not so sure. What else can I do when it seems like all my time and efforts, all those sleepless nights and disciplined hours have been for nothing? I feel like a fool. Like an honest-to-God good-for-nothing fool. How did I make the mistake of believing that I was actually gifted and lucky and that it would actually help me in life? I never thought I’d ever be the defeated type: the guy who loses heart and says “Okay, that was my last shot I gave it all I had and it still wasn’t enough so I’m calling it quits”. I am finally that person. I’m losing my confidence. I’m doubting everything I thought I knew. It’s never been in my nature to give up. Once I started something I’d always see it through to the end, one way or another. But now it looks like there’s no way. Absolutely completely no way things could get better. I’m empty. Numb. There’s nothing more to give. Not really. The only thing I have left is my soul and sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’ve got even that. I am sick and tired of hearing all of you say, “Everyone gets their chance to shine. It just isn’t your time yet. Good things are around the corner. Hang on a little longer.” I’ve been hanging on with my fingertips, and I’m done. It hurts. I’m calling it a day. It’s not true what people say: the only way to go from rock bottom is up. Because I was at rock bottom for a while now, and I feel like I just dropped even lower, wondering how that is even possible. It’s not easy for me to say all this. I’m beginning to sound morbid, maybe even depressed. Maybe that’s what I am. There was a time I swore I’d never talk like this. I was so hungry, driven, earnest, even when one after another the rejections were there to slam me down down down. I’d wear each one like a badge, like I had survived one more bad news, fueled all over again because nothing could ever bring me down. I guess I didn’t know myself as well as I thought. I’m down, and I’m not getting back up. There’s no fight left in me. I don’t even want to fight, that desire to rise isn’t there, nothing to get that fire going. This nothingness has been there for some time now. It’s like there comes a time when the last rejection takes something precious away and you decide nothing’s worth it anymore, you are going to surrender. Most of us never really have a shot at realizing our dreams. We can hope for the best, pray like crazy, work thirty hours a day, sweat and cry and bleed, but sometimes even all of that just isn’t enough. It’s just a waste of time. It doesn’t work out for everyone. We’d all be living our dreams if it did. It just isn’t the way my life is meant to go. I have to accept it, and sooner rather than later would be better. It’s hard to let go of the thing you were so sure you knew was the answer to everything. You listened to it when it called, you nurtured that dream, fed it to help it grow and had so much riding on it. Your happiness, your peace of mind and soul, your wildest stupidest fantasies. So when it doesn’t fly, it’s hard to let it go. It’s nearly impossible. I’m not sure if I want to, but I don’t see how clinging to it will make things better for me. It’s been a long ride. I won’t lie: it’s been fun and exhilarating and I relished every second if it. I just wish I could have achieved something, you know, now that I had finally found myself. Or so I thought. I don’t know what’s next. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m scared, to be honest. I don’t have a clue what life will be like now. I have to find something else to do. Maybe this will be the right decision, maybe not. I guess I’ll find out soon. It’s time to go. It’s time to say goodbye.
© Amaan Khan, May 10, 2018.